My last weekend as a single girl

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim - i would like to start my writing today with a full bless even though lot of things lingering around my head since yesterday. Before i ranting about my nervousness, i just want to vent out hahaha - it is truly a hard journey to prepare a wedding event. It is. Me and Bagok first planned that we wanna do a very simple event with both sides in one reception - with only few family members and close friends, but it became big where we both make it our own. 

While our first plan was blown off, we both reset our niat back, to make this wedding as a blessing event for us, where lot of people come for reunion and dua' for us. I reset back my niat to serve food for people who come and i really hope this intention makes me happy and when i am happy, Allah will be happy with me too. Because i knew, Rasulullah teach us to give, especially in the good event like a wedding. I really hope the event wont be a nest for waste, wont be a place where I displease and think something bad. I really hope so 🥹

Oh, and another vent was - since this is too hard, i was in a lot of stress. And every time i feel grumpy, my work covers me a lot. So, i really depend on my work to make me stable back. And jogging of course hahaha.

And i should warn, since lot of things mix up during this event, whatever i said off and think of badly, hopefully not become that bad. May Allah ease me, may Allah assist me, may Allah protect me, amin. I no longer depend on myself to do this alone - like i mean to control my emotion, but i let Allah to help me now because my stress level is phewww

Ok, let's rant on my last weekend as a single girl HAHAHA

Since im actually not into this wedding (not that im not looking to get married, i just feel so safe because i am marrying my 12 years boyfriend), every time, like literally EVERY TIME people asked, "eh nervous tak nak kawen?", "eh, how you feel?" - i will definitely, like immediately said, "relax, i am marrying my 12 years boyfriend".

But yesterday, it hits me a bit. I woke up in the morning and wondering, 'oh my god, this will be my last weekend before i wake with someone's next to me'. And that is scary. I used to live as a single working girl for almost 4 years, i just have my own room for about 2-3 years, i have my own space, my own time, my 'melepek' time, my movie night - like i love my life. I REALLY LOVE MY LIFE. And im gonna let it go because of this marriage. Isn't it scary man? HAHAHA

So later that day, we both went out for catch up, and i told him, this reality just hit me. And i asked him, "can you give me some time to adjust myself for this transition? If im doing it wrong, or not as you expect, can you let it go first?". And just as he is, he said, "i'm ok for you to get used of your new norm. But not when you dont adjust it at all, and you forget your new status" (something like this la he said haha). I told him, i want to be what we should be, but i just need some time. That's all. So he said, as long as i am aware of my status, him as my husband, (and of course i am as a wife) everything should be ok.

This is also what we discussed long time ago - changes. Since we both growing up together - i first met him when we were in high school and we kinda like outgrown each other, we did talk about changes. Some of my married friends ever said, "i kinda seeing him as a new person now, not the one i used to know" - and a bit, it hits me. So, i did tell her, "he is not a new person, he just showing us more of himself. And that's just fine. We grow more. Do we wanna see them "acting" good forever? Wont we want them to be human?".

I know it is easier to say than done, i am aware. And i told this story to Bagok. And i still remember the conversation - We will be more true to each other. We are changing - despite of the status changes, we are actually changing every seconds. We first decide to eat at A place, now suddenly we dont like and go movie. We can't expect people to not change when we live together. We will change. 

Before this we met each other once in a month, suddenly i see you every second. Won't it be weird if we not change? And changes are good. It just, dont label it. Once we label it - "husband", "true color", "married people" - we will start to view "changes" as a bad thing, whereas it isn't. It's just natural to change. And as a joke we said, "remember, our skin changes every second. Why expect people to not?"

This conversation human me to look this as a normal nature. If i annoyed him, it's not just today. I annoyed him almost every day. If he mad at me, he did mad at me sometimes. It just normal to have emotions. And we are dealing with human here - who have aqal, soul, spirit, heart and physical body. All these works together because we are dealing with higher faculties of ourselves (aqal & spirit) and conflicting it with the lower faculties of us (nafs & body). So, let's be human. When our lower self overpower us, we have to seek for knowledge to overcome that lackness.

And this is what me & Bagok always said (and i used to discuss this to my sisters too), we can never stop seeking for knowledge. Because ONLY with knowledge, we can enlighten the dark. ONLY with knowledge, we can subdue our desires - mad, greed, waste - any bad desires - and purify ourselves to be better.

It's been so long since im doing my reflection here hahaha I really hope, i can stand on this premise. But i know, some times, im not. And i hope when im not, we can remind ourselves over and over. Without fail. Because we human, forget (insan).

May Allah bless us.