I Sail the Boat To the Land

Aku bancuhkan milo. Dia duduk kerusi di benchtop dapur.

"Aku rasa, aku rasa je la haha. Aku dah sampai stage akhir in my heartbroken phase. Dulu rasa dia lain, hmm, cemana ea nak describe tu. Dulu rasa dia cam, kay aku cuba bertenang untuk apa je jadi dekat dia dan hidup dia. Aku tak nak ambik tahu dan train diri aku untuk jangan fikir apa-apa pasal dia. Tapi now rasa dia lain. I dont know if there's another phases after this phase, tapi," dia senyap. 

Dia kemudian sambung. "Dulu aku sedih jugak. In every phases, Allah gives me the chance to feel different feelings. Phase kali ni aku sedih jugak. Tapi sedih dia cam perit sikit sebab aku tak boleh nak nangis dah haha." Dia gelak dan tunduk muka ke meja benchtop. "And, why i said this is may be the last phase? Sebab at last, aku cakap kat diri aku, 'I let you go.' Aku akan doakan dia & kebahagiaan dia." Dia tarik nafas panjang. Aku hulur mug putih berisi milo. Dia pandang aku, senyum segaris.

Dia sambung, "Masa tu aku rasa cam, fuh macam ni ke rasa dia when finally you sincerely let people go? Kau rasa cam hopeless so kau just hope everything is gonna be fine for you, and for him, sebab kau tak tahu apa kau nak dalam dunia ni lagi. At least because you know apa dia nak dekat dunia ni, so kau doa Allah bagi benda tu kat dia - even you aren't a part of it anymore.

Dulu masa aku cakap, aku doa dia happy, aku rasa maybe aku tak ikhlas lagi. Tapi once aku dah faham situasi tu, doa dia lagi cam rasa powerful gila. So in every solat, i mention his full name and pray for his happiness and easiness dunya and akhirat." Dia berhenti. Dia main-main mug dekat tangan kanannya.

"Dan kau happy?" Aku tanya lambat-lambat.

"Aku nangis weh." Dia gelak hambar. "Even before tu aku tak sedih, tapi tiap kali aku doa tu, aku sebut nama dia," dia berhenti sekejap. "Aku tetibe nangis." Dia pandang aku. Mata dia berkilat. 

"And one thing aku realize and faham now bila orang cakap, 'you forgive people not because people asked for it. But you forgive people because you asked yourself to be peace with it. It's completely for your own contentment.'

'And you pray for their happiness even it's not yours anymore because the only thing you can do to the people you love is by praying their happiness and easiness dunya & akhirah.' Aku tak boleh buat pape dah. And for the people I ever love now and then, and I just realized how love i am to that person," dia berhenti kejap. "I don't want anything happen bad to him. I just want him to be happy on his own ways." Dia senyum puas. Aku pegang tangan dia kuat.

"Kau ada perasaan lagi tak dekat dia?" Aku tanya perlahan-lahan.

"I'm fully aware now, I love him so much and that's the fact yg aku akan pegang. Aku mungkin patut malu sebab still rasa benda tu, tapi kau tak boleh buat pape dengan perasaan sendiri selain mengaku. Kalau kau hide, you will not come to your own sense. Bila aku aware aku ada perasaan tu, at least aku tahu cemana nak react nanti or at least I have control over it."

"Yeah, you right. Never suppress your feeling. Kita kena tahu benda tu ada and barulah kita boleh kawal benda tu. And perasaan tu yang kita kena 'nakhodakan.' "

Dia termenung panjang. 

Aku rasa doa tu sekarang sangatlah powerful dekat aku. At least untuk diri aku sendiri, untuk ketenangan aku. Every time I mentioned his name before God, I dont know why I shed tears. At last, I put everything in Allah. Aku dah redho apa jadi dalam dunia untuk aku kat dunia ni. Aku merancang, Allah merancang. Tapi rancangan Allah adalah yang terbaik. So aku yakin, Allah prepares for me the best and to make me the best ceh haha. Dulu aku selalu risau apa la nak jadi nanti, cemana kalau tak macam ni, cemana kalau tak macam tu which actually benda tu normal. Kau takut untuk start over and move on sebab no one knows the future. Tapi now, aku cakap kat diri aku, you've done your best, let Allah do the rest. Jangan kacau kerja Tuhan.

Dan tiba-tiba hujan merintik di luar rumah.